I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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