Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
