When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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