I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
