Betty ford says i'm here all night
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
