is your mom at the bar?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i will never coherently bang her
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
