I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
