I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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