I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
