So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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