bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
