Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
