so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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