she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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