i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize