Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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