this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
