Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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