why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
