Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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