hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
