....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
