he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
