dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
