I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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