dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
