I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
