My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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