Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
