were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
