I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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