my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
