Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
