My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
