oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
