Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
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