after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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