fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
