I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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