he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It's not a walk of shame if you run
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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