I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
