Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
