Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize