the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just want to make out with him forever
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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