anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
