So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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