Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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