I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
