Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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