i can't believe i had my finger in that
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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