Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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