There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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