I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
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