his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Randomize
