and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
