I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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