So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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