you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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