mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
