dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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