how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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