I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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