Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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