he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
