isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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