Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
