And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
