margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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