so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
